What is True Compassion?

Compassion is usually associated with making someone feel better, helping them to stop hurting, empathizing with their feelings in a gentle way.   I would argue that this is not true compassion if it comes at the cost of the truth.  In fact, people can use this familiar definition as a reason to withhold the truth.  “I […]

Conflict is Inevitable: Will it Destroy or Transform?

Relationships inevitably experience conflict.  Two people bring inherent differences which can make bridging the space between challenging.  Conflict can become a deal breaker for relationships.  But conflict, when addressed openly, directly, responsibly can create a new depth of understanding, a new emphathy for seeing the world through other eyes.  It can be a catalyst for discovering a new layer of intimacy.   In other words, […]

Following Through With Agreements

No matter how seemingly small or trivial, the lack of follow through is one of the more destructive dynamics in an on-ongoing relationship.  Whether you agreed to pick up the kids at 4:00, walk the dog before work, pick up a cluttered area in the house, return a phone call or show up at a […]

What is a True Apology?

The willingness to genuinely apologize is a key ingredient in any relationship, for we are all fallible, all human, all a work in progress.  To recognize the pain one has caused in another – even unintentionally – is at the heart of a thoughtful apology. But what does it mean to offer a full apology and why can this […]

The Importance of Agreements

This is the traditional time of year for the making of New Year’s resolutions – as well as the typical time of year for the breaking of them.  Rather than discuss these personal agreements we make with ourselves that we often have a difficult time keeping, I want to address the importance of agreements made between two […]

The Call to Surrender

This article was published in the Winter 2016 issue of “The Forum” published by Northwest Alliance for Psychoanalytic Study. Hiroo Onoda refused to surrender. He was a WWII lieutenant in the Japanese army, stationed on a small island in the Philippines. When Japan surrendered, Onoda refused to capitulate. He doggedly held to his belief that […]

Holiday Obligation vs. Choice

A client made an apt alteration to Thoreau’s infamous quote this week by reflecting on how many people seem to “lead lives of quiet obligation”.Holidays with their traditions, “shoulds”, and “suppose tos” can be particularly laden with this form of ‘duty’. Give yourself permission to ask, “What do I really want to do?”  “And who do I […]

Kitchen Wars

Marital warfare often manifests in the kitchen. Take the dishwasher for instance. Who fills it and how, who empties it and when…can all become the battleground fodder highlighting the larger unresolved relational issues. The refrain, “I always have to empty the dishwasher” can become code for a pervasive feeling that things are not “fair” in […]

Weeds of One’s Mind

The “weeds” of the mind require regular extraction. Distorted thoughts can have a way of seeding and re-seeding themselves not unlike the invasive quality of ivy or dandelions. This weed I refer to, by another name, can also be called projection or transference. Distorted thoughts, like weeds, are difficult to pull up by the roots […]

Are You a Road Rager?

Does your blood pressure increase when you drive in congested traffic? Has this feeling ever boiled over? Specifically, have you ever honked, gestured, sworn, tailgated……or worse? Ever felt badly afterwards that you “lost it” back there? Ask yourself, what is at the heart of this reaction on the road. Yes, perhaps they cut you off or pulled a […]

Killing a Marriage by a Thousand Paper Cuts

Marriage isn’t football or a courtroom, there is no place for a good defense.  What are your typical reactions to being called on something that you have done – or failed to do?  These are some of the more common defensive bylines, but this clearly doesn’t represent an exhaustive list.  It’s only exhaustive for those on the […]

Cloak and Dagger

I would venture to say that most marriages operate by the “cloak and dagger” method.  What I mean by this is that one’s honest feelings, thoughts, motivations are more often than not “cloaked’ from the partner.  There can be many justifications assigned to this withholding behavior.  Not wanting to ‘hurt’ the other’s feelings, fearing their […]